duno whether its good news or bad...
im going for night duty soon..

hai.. was informed by DO today..
was shock unprepared and upset..
i feel tt my foundation is not stable yet..
y must they send mi to night?

my coach told mi they need old n new staff for night..
faster finish night cycle e better..
its 6 months.. n i gona miss my colleagues alot.. especially...
u know who..

i start to doubt my ability..
i start to think tt im not capable..

my coach told mi how i have been performing lately..
all positive feedbacks..
but but.. going night..
i duno how to take tt..

change of shift..
learn new things..
less political conflicts..
more time for myself..

but den..
less time to see those colleagues tt i form a bond with..
miss seeing tt someone
got to adapt to new things..

alot alot..
so much so tt i duno wad to say..

yes.. im in a v low mood now..
shall stop
im tired

9:33 PM;
I made my mark

im so tired..
not from work or anything..
its just tt i did not have enough rest..

was up e whole night yest taking care of 1 sick person..
hai.. was worried and helpless..
im actually v exhausted..
but seein e pain on her face
it just keeps mi awake lo..

i cracked jokes touch her hair tryin to make her slp..
in e end i make her laugh till she feel pain..
... i reli like e feeling of takin care of her..

i was actually taken aback by her openness towards me..
i mean her feelings la..
remember e present incident?
i finally came to face wif it n she showed mi y she says e present dun suits her..
maybe it still feels raw inside mi..
i kinda 'shouted' back
'u can dun use since it dun suits u'
i tout tts e end of conversation coz she kept quiet..
who knows.. moments later..
she just said..

'coz its from u..'

i just stop my work n look at her..
when i looked into her eyes..
i kinda go soft..
i turn away..
i duno how to react..

few hours later..
her gastric pain comes back again..
i kinda nag at her..
she become 'rebellious' and says I HAVE SEEN A DOC ALR..
i was like so??
n she added..
its becoz of mi tts y she went to see doc..
she tinks its a waste of money..
but to ease my worries..
she actually went..

i was shock once again..
mi? mi again??
i look at her with a dumbfounded face
she just throw a pillow at mi..
i mean.. ha.. i duno how to say her..

will be more to come in future..
e laughter e joy and the tears..

9:58 PM;
I made my mark

after we fall out of love..
we always ask ourselves..

how do we forget?

'i reli miss her.. but i wan to forget her'

ironic right?

ppl say..
'cannot forget den dun forget!'
it seems so easy..

y make ourselves suffer by tryin so hard to forget tt someone when we know we cant??
in e end.. i realised..

human likes to set rules to make one's life difficult..
there is no rule no restrictions..
yet.. our brain is program to tink straight n not flexible..

theres one game to prove..

get as many ppl as u can to play tis game.. only rule is tt e feet must be on e paper

1)take 4 pieces of paper.. anyone can move anywhere but eventually must go to e paper..
2)ppl must move ard and stop e moment someone says 'change'.. n feet o paper
3)if any piece of paper is not being occupied.. will be taken away..

and so e game goes on..
eventually we will find ourselves all stand and squeeze on one small paper..
v tiring n difficult to balance right?

ha!! there.. we made our lives difficult..
why must we stand on e paper when we can just sit on e floor, put our legs on it?

coz our brain is being programmed! feet on e paper!! means whole body plus feet!
there? theres no rule tt says we need to stand on top or whole body inside or wad so ever!
its just 'feet on e paper!'

hai.. rules..

ok.. i drift away from e topic..
yes.. abt forgetting someone..

e harder u try to forget, e more u remember
wana forget something?
u will say..
'cannot remember tis n tt'
but den.. u r remindin urself to forget!
hai.. u wun need to try ur best to forget..
u will just forget..

when eventually its comes to a day whereby u r being reminded by something or someone..
den u remember tis person whom u trying to forget..
there.. its means u truly forget..
if not.. dun remind urself to earse wadever memories u have..
coz its just gonna hurt..

i tried to forget tt someone today..
i acted cool and distant..
in e end, i miss her more..

so? lesson proven..
shall not try to forget..
i just let myself forget..

beer anyone??
=)

11:59 PM;
I made my mark

working night shift today..
at KKH hosp..
i got alot of thoughts abt my job lately

i was deployed to KKH hosp last min yest..
theres one pregnant lady tt is to give birth..
its so last min, e msg passed down was not clear
i actually thought im goin for KKH escort..
but no.. its hosp duty..

i went.. n i realised tt e lady was 9mths 1 week pregnant..
her water bag level count is low...
hence e doc wans her to give birth now..
Induced birth..
put duno wad med into her private area..
den will have contractions..

as the hours near to my knock off time..
her contractions gets more n more painful..
she's giving birth anytime..
i know i cannot witness e birthing process..
the one taking over mi will..
as i watched her expression changed from those normal to severe pain..
i came to realised tt giving birth is a painful yet noble process..
i tink of my mum, e pain she bear while giving birth to mi..
cant help but to feel guilty..

before she gave birth in e labour ward..
we were actually talking in e security ward..
she told mi she feel tt tis child is special..
coz of her, she decided to quit her herione addictions..
she totally convince herself not to come back Prison again..
she decided to lead a normal life n provide well for all her children..
she thank us for our efforts in talking to her and attendin to her needs..
i was glad n touched..
sometimes the things we did seems to be so trival..
but it actually means a whole lot to another person..

at tt point.. i realised i have a wonderful job..
its so challenging.. and its so meaningful..
which job can make mi improve my human r/s management??
which job can make mi face all e crooks, handle and take care of them??
which job can let mi listen to all sort of life experiences and let mi gain insights?

A Prison Officer..

i will nv regret choosing tis career..
i will work hard, embrace wadever difficulties i face..
i will be the CAPTAINS OF LIVES

12:40 PM;
I made my mark

today is just not my day la!!

i wonder is my luck getting downhill or im just plain unlucky..
ppl close to mi made mi pissed and it's like.. "wad e f**k??"

first.. my miss wonderwoman who made mi angry yest msg mi early in e morning wanting to meet for lunch after my course
supposed to meet 1230pm during my lunch time
but shes late..
reason? go buy my fav chocolate..
den cant find run to many other places..

nvm.. as im still angry
i didnt talk to her much
den.. she msg to say shes sick
so i did e normal thing..
i asked her to take care..

end of story?? NO!!!
received a call from her ard 8plus
she was keepin quiet and kind of sobbing??
talk to her no reply..
got mi worried n i took a cab all e way down..

DEN, i reached there..
she open e door den went to lie down..
i close e bloody door for her
went to her bed and look at her
wanted to drag her to see doc..
she refused den close her eyes n den ignore mi..
i stare at her for bloody 15 mins den decided i cant do anything..
i den decided to leave..
guess wad?? e moment i step out of e door..
i heard e 'click' sound..
she locked her stupid door..

... wad e fish right??
i rush down from jur to kampong Arang
den see her for 15 mins, talk less than 10 sentences
den i go back......
was alr wonderin why e hell i go find her
den receive msgs from her saying....

'reli appreciate ur thoughts.. im fine im ok.. trust mi.. if i become worse will inform u' blab blab blab..

so now wad?? u inform mi den i got to take a cab all e way down again??
not tt i dun wan..
i just find everything so corny..
like some scripts from old dated movies..

nvm.. reached home, alr damn tired..
my mum n dad quarrelled..
den! my mum came into my room..
talk talk talk..
den i quarrel with her..
wad e fish n tank right??

argh!!! today just not my day lo!!
tml going back to work after my 2 days course..
im gona be damn sian again lo..

can things change for e better for mi please?????????????

hai..
anyway....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS WONDERWOMAN VIVIAN NG

12:21 AM;
I made my mark

i feel like a fool..
just becoz of ur simple msg

Destructive criticism..
negative remarks..
maybe if u put it in a nicer way..
i will feel better..

too bad.. u didnt..
n it simply just made mi hate u..
maybe just tis moment..
stop calling mi..
i dun wan to hear ur voice

my face is like being slapped left n right..
just becoz of ur choice of words..

Words can kill..
to mi, it did..

12:30 AM;
I made my mark

i hate u i hate u i hate u
most importantly i hate myself


i experienced tt kind of pain once again..
thought myself to be level-headed
ha!! wad a joke..
im still stuck inside..


bday is suppose to be a happy day..
together with a frd, we went out together..
those periods lately..
i thought we have something between us..
ya.. indeed, theres something..
'e feeling of being made use of'


im reli v tired le..
e efforts tt i put in..
it seems.. redundant..
i feel so inferior compared to her..
my brains filled with her, my heart yearning for her..
hai.. stupid..


i so hate myself

4:07 AM;
I made my mark

back from malaysia..
just attended my grandma's funeral..
she passed away peacefully on the 6th March 2006..


i was upset..
coz i nv went back when she was ill..
now.. no more chance le..
i sent her through her last journey..
she was buried on top a hill overlooking the sea..
i hope she will be happy..


she's 93 this year..
in fact..
some ppl said its her good fortune..
to be able to live so long and full of grand and great grand sons/daughters..
i lost count tryin to figure out how many are there altogether..


i saw alot of relatives tt i nv see b4 in my life..
wa... either just born or alr grow up..
my cousins change totally..
mi oso la.. they all couldnt recognise mi..
thought im a guy n im my sis bf..
hai.. malaysians are all abit backward..
as in thinking n stuff la..
i received lots of stares when i was in the toilet..
it came to a point whereby i got so fed up n i shouted..
'wads ur problem?'
pissed off..


den on the bus..
i was damn tired coz i lack of slp..
i went to malaysia directly after my night duty..
no slp den reach there oso busy with tis n tt..
finally got a chance to settle down..
tis idiotic boy from duno where keep disturbing mi
knock my head touch my hair n do all sort of nonsense
i was fallin aslp lo
it came to a point whereby i got so irritated
i hate ppl wakin mi up when im slping..
i shouted at tt idiot and stare at him n his mum
kaoz.. his mum duno how to stop de lo..
no upbringing.
i was shoutin quite loudly lo..
ha! his mum do nothing..
idiotic fools


arghhhh!!!!!
irritating..
i tink im fallin sick, again..
tml start work..
n its a location i hate e most..
argh!!! shitty luck

6:30 PM;
I made my mark